The Elusive Happiness Part 3: Belonging

In the quest for finding that "something more" that can support a sustained state of well-being, sustained happiness or joy, I started wondering if we had sacrificed something for our heightened state of affluence. In the West, we possess incredible financial power and freedom. But, is there a cost for this choice of abundant wealth? The first word that bubbled up for me was "autonomy."

Affluence has created and encouraged autonomy on a massive scale. Autonomy is viewed as empowering, reflective of a higher life-status and success, as well as attractive and even sexy. It is fostered by the fact that many individuals possess at least one automobile; a house or apartment; a lawn mower, at least one computer, a private bed and bathroom and so on. That level of autonomy does not exist in all parts of the world. Autonomy is a widely held value in the West.

We have strong cultural values that support and elevate autonomy as a virtue and disparages dependence.   In our society we don't necessarily view needing or depending on others as a good thing.  Unflattering words are used for referencing dependency  like: moocher, codependent, and needy. Also, asking someone for help is viewed as an admission of weakness and many struggle with asking, even in a crisis. Dependency is considered a weakness a condition of the infirmed or elderly. As popular and empowering as autonomy can be, this value has a darker side.

Autonomy can leave us disconnected, isolated, and at it's worst, lonely. The cost of autonomy can be a self-perpetuated isolation. Because of the ease of autonomy and because of less dependence on others we've lost touch with the fact that we need one another. Humans are inherently social creatures that thrive and grow in the company of others. (It takes a village...)

The Blessed Mother Teresa, a well known Roman Catholic religious sister and missionary, had at numerous times reflected on what we have sacrificed in the pursuit of affluence and freedom. "The greatest disease in the west today is not TB or leprosy; it is being unwanted unloved and uncared for" - Mother Teresa, The Simple Path.

Another factor (beyond autonomy) that has an impact on our routine state of isolation is technology. technology creating further isolation in our society and disconnection between each other.
In her recent book. Alone Together, Sherry Terkle expresses concerns about

"We expect more from technology and less from each other." and "We're getting used to a new way of being alone together."  - Sherry Turkle

For more information view her TEDtalk: Sherry Turkle: Connected, but alone?

Even the most shy people that we know, need human presence, touch, voice and care. The inherent human need for a sense of belonging may also be found  in Maslow’s Needs hierarchy. Beyond basic survival and safety needs, humans require a sense of belonging. We can't find that in isolation, we can only get that from each other.  "The needs for safety, belonging, love relations and for respect can be satisfied only by other people, i.e., only from outside the person. " ― Abraham Maslow, Toward a Psychology of Being.

 Without this sense of belonging, we can't proceed through the evolutionary steps toward the pinnacle of Maslow's triangle, self realization. We appear to be ill-equipped to achieve our full potential. Yet, herein is a golden opportunity.

In Africa, autonomy is not nearly as widespread as in the West. My porters, their friends and families count on each other for many critical aspects of their lives including: water, food, lodging, etc.  These people are keenly aware of their dependence upon one another and routinely ask for help. As a result, our African brothers and sisters may not experience the same financial wealth found in the West, but they do enjoy a different kind of abundance, the abundance of togetherness found in belonging.

What actions and attitudes can one take to increase a sense of belonging, a sense of happiness? Here are a few suggestions that may serve anyone (including me) as baby steps for improving our state of contentedness and belonging and thereby enhancing the experience of happiness.

1. Spend regular time with loved ones: not just during the holidays, not just on the weekend, but nearly every day.
2. Make room to connect: Put away the technology that distracts us from each other.  Briefly, put away the texting, emailing and posting. (It will be there when you return.)
3. Look up and into their faces and listen carefully to their words (as well as the feelings behind those words) and be a witness of the lives of those you love and care for.
4. Shift attitude: We all love to work hard so it may be time to ask ourselves the question, "what is all of that hard work for?"
5. Ask for help: (even when you don't need it!) to pull someone into your life for a few moments, to share and connect.

Having explored a sense of belonging, I felt I was on the right track. Still, I intuitively felt that I was just beginning to understand happiness and began to wonder about other actions and attitudes that might come into play in the pursuit of the Elusive Happiness (to be continued)

We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love. - Dr. Seuss

The Elusive Happiness Part 2: Money and Happiness

After successfully summiting Kilimanjaro, a state of deep humility began to prepare fertile ground

within me. During my homeward-bound flight departing from this magnificent mountainous country and her amazing people, many questions bubbled up from that ripe place within. And, I wistfully pondered the meaning of it all.

Transitioning back to the "Real World" was difficult for me as it is for many who encounter life far beyond the boundaries of their normal day-to-day experience. The tight boundaries of my beliefs and understandings were beginning to stretch and expand never to contract again. Inspired by our trip leader, Rick French, I was beginning to question which world was more "real". Was it more real back in the sheltered, virtual, "Disney-like" world , of the affluent West or was it more real within the humble hearts and simple life of the genuinely content people of this poor African country?

Shortly after my return, I learned that the average annual income of a Tanzanian is about $500 US. That's $500 annual; income for a family! Remembering the profound impact of the shared joy of my African comrades, questions bubbled up within me about the relationship between money and happiness. Does money really make us happy, as the ads on television and Internet (not to mention the culture of the West) tries to convince? Chuckling to myself sarcastically, I began to playfully consider whether my next purchase was going to be the one to tip the scales of perpetual happiness for me. Soberly, I genuinely was beginning to understand that this was probably not ever going to be the case and I began to wonder if there was any research on the relationship between money and happiness.

As it turns out, the suspicions subjectively rising from my experiences in Africa have indeed been validated by others. (refer to the figure below) The vertical axis represents a rating of happiness experienced which is plotted against the horizontal graph representing the years 1950 to 2008.

Data from the Historical Statistics of the United States and Economic Indicators, Myers

As the figure shows, the average American, though certainly richer, is not a bit happier. In 1957, some 35 percent said they were “very happy,” as did slightly fewer-32 percent-in 2008. Much the same has been true of Europe, Australia, and Japan, where increasing real incomes have not produced increasing happiness (Australian Unity, 2008; Diener & Biswas - Diener, 2002, 2009; Di Tella & MacCulloch, 2010). Ditto China, where living standards have risen but satisfaction has not (Brockmann et al., 2009). These findings lob a bombshell at modern materialism: Economic growth in affluent countries has provided no apparent boost to morale or social well - being. (reference Psychology by David G. Myer)

So, here in the West (aka the Real World) many of our decisions are based on the unfounded belief that more money will bring more happiness. It was as if I had been putting all of my energy and time into the expectation of a sunrise that was never going to happen. I could see clearly the cascading effect of the many decisions of my short life in pursuit of happiness were really taking me nowhere. Although I was completely bewildered and disillusioned, a hopeful smile eventually  began to stretch across my face, heart, and entire being. This was a smile of understanding. No longer blinded, my new perspective gave me the impetus and insight necessary to overcome the obstacles for a much-needed change in my life.

OK. So it's not money, which is not to say that money is inherently bad. In fact, there is a minimum level of money, which can bring us to a desirable state just above survival and safety needs that contributes greatly to our level of happiness. And, anything above that should not necessarily detract from that happiness. But to become truly happy,, we apparently need something more. At that moment, I began to intensely wonder, "what was that something and where could it be found?" (to be continued)

Enjoy everything that happens in your life, but never make your happiness or success dependent on an attachment to any person, place or thing.

- Wayne Dyer

The Elusive Happiness Part 1: Barranco Wall

One of my life long dreams has been to climb a world-class mountain. In 2010 at the age of 57, I had the great fortune of summiting Mt. Kilimanjaro in Tanzania, Africa. One of the numerous unanticipated experiences I chanced upon high on Kili, has impressed me to the bone. It was not, surprisingly, achieving a check-mark on my bucket list. 

Our porters were local Tanzanian people who carried our bags, supplies and tents up the mountain. This is done for many reasons: to increase the likelihood of summiting, to improve the quality of our overall experience, and to provide a much needed income for the local people. As we, a group known as "Journeys of Inspiration" and our porters, lived together on the mountain for nine days and nights, I became increasingly aware of a trend that was to change my long-held beliefs around happiness.

On one particularly inspiring morning, we were climbing on one of the steepest parts of the mountain's terrain called the Barranco Wall. Although this section did not require ropes and harnesses, it did involve allot of scrambling (climbing on all fours.) We pulled and pressed ourselves over large boulders and up onto small ledges with spectacular views of the campsite we had just left that was now hundreds of feet below us. Many of us struggled with acrophobia, a fear of heights, in attempting to surmount “the Wall.” While we struggled, the porters remained nonplussed, shouldering their burdens with consistently smiling faces and lending a hand to the terror stricken Americans during our dramatic moments. Their warm and congenial presence helped to ease our anxieties and helped us negotiate this challenging climb.  

Most of the porters spoke little or no English and our "American-accented" Swahili was limited to a few short phrases. Yet, we understood each other and bonded with one another through this grand, shared experience. One porter in particular was wearing a brightly colored  cotton tee; torn, brown work pants; and hi-top sneakers in stark contrast to our high-priced E.M.S. quick-dry, mountain clothes and hi-tech hiking boots. In a singularly sweet moment, he was to have a significant impact on me. 

The laces on both of his sneakers were broken and in lieu of lacing them he had wrapped them round-and-round the base of his toes to secure the fading and worn shoes to his sock-less feet. He was carrying a burlap bag high on his broad shoulders. (I discovered later that the bag he carried weighed close to 90 lbs.) Despite his modest footwear and heavy load, he passed me with ease and with an unexpected, surprising countenance. My expectation was that someone in his circumstance might wear the grim expression reflecting the harsh conditions that he endured. But Instead, he passed me  lending me a huge, genuine smile that imparted both a sense of knowing connection and a kind of joy that I cannot adequately describe here. Even at that lofty altitude, he maintained a joyful attitude! 

This infectious attitude of happiness was pervasive among most of the Tanzanians I met. Yet, it is something that I have rarely experienced in the US. At the end of our trip, there was a group shot taken with the porters.(see insert) My expression reveals that I had fallen into a state of deep humility having realized the magnitude of what we had accomplished. And, I humbly understood that we never would have made  it without the physical strength and emotional buoyancy of these beautiful people.  (to be continued)

Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.
- Mohandas K. Gandhi

Clarity and Focus through Three Questions

As a business leader, there is a strong temptation to try to be all things to all people. In my first
business as the performing musician, Sweet Baby James, I succumbed to that temptation. By learning as many songs from as many genres as possible, (from Pete Seeger to John Mayer) I attempted to be known as a musician that could play a request for anyone of any age or background. You should know that this is a daunting task as new songs are born at a ferocious rate due to the amazing productivity and massive creativity of original songwriters. As much as I have enjoyed learning hundreds of songs, this strategy, trying to please everyone, did not produce the results that I had hoped for. The more songs I learned the more like plain vanilla I sounded and the less unique I became.

Today I use a much different approach. Instead of trying to be everything to everybody, I provide clarity and focus to my business and life by asking three questions: WHO do I serve, HOW do I serve them, and WHY do I serve them.

WHO are the people in this big, beautiful world that YOU would love to work with, that you admire. Who are the ones for whom you wish to make a difference?  What do these people's faces look like? What captures their imagination and what are the objects of their heart's desire?

HOW does someone serve them? How does one feed, facilitate, transport, empower, and help them to be more happy and satisfied. How can you make another’s life and their life experience better? What is YOUR unique ability (yes you!) that allows you to be the missing ingredient for the perfect recipe of a good life for them, the catalyst for a needed change in them, the medicine for a lack of ease in them?

But most importantly, ask yourself, "WHY do you serve them?" This is about YOUR life purpose, what you are here for, and why you were born and ideally it is considered first before the other questions. Whether or not they realize it, everyone (yes everyone) has a life purpose. And, a few even have a mission (a life purpose on fire!) A life purpose does not have to be grand, it could be something very simple for a humble profession such as: I build furniture so that people can share meals with their loved ones throughout the seasons of their lives, or I lend my presence to people who are alone in their final days to provide a witness to the fullness of their lives, or I walk dogs so that others may experience their own live's significance and have an impact on our world, or I dispose of the garbage and junk from people's lives so that they can fill the void left behind with simplicity, beauty, and delightful wide-open spaces.


Many people have an external purpose, a business or organizational purpose, and an internal purpose, a personal reason for existence. An external purpose drives business or organizational results and success. An internal purpose is something that gets us out of bed each morning and sustains us through the challenges that inevitably come both in life and in business. As people evolve and grow, their life and business purpose is likely to change over time. As the layers of their identity peal away to reveal the authentic self, they find themselves growing into their core purpose.


The following list represents my answers for the three questions:

WHO do you serve? I serve LEADERS of organizations and businesses.
HOW do you serve them? I ask them two questions: (1.) "Who are you?" and (2.) "Why are you here?" Then, I help them to answer these two.
WHY do you serve them? (external) I am here to SERVE the SPIRIT of LEADERSHIP arising in all of us.
WHY do you serve them? (internal) I am here to MAKE a BETTER WORLD for my great grandchildren, your great grandchildren, and future generations.

Although these provide focus and clarity for me (as well as getting me out of bed in the morning), I consider them to be a work in progress and I choose to remain open to further clarification.

If I listen carefully in the deep quiet everyday, life may yet reveal to me with even more clarity and focus who I serve, how to serve them, and why I serve them.

Rain is good for me. I feel like I achieve clarity actually when it rains. The longer I have to sit and wait, the clearer my game becomes to me - Venus Williams

http://www.brucewaynemclellan.com/home.html 

Dear Beloved Great Grandchildren

It is Father's Day in 2015 and I am just 62 years old.  I want to share a couple of things that I have been thinking about   First, I have loved being a father. However, being a grandfather expands that love in ways that may be difficult to imagine. In fact, with each successive generation (as if by some miracle) my love for you grows exponentially. Perhaps, that's because you carry our (mine, my parent's, my grandparent's and my great grandparent's) collective hopes and dreams with you forward into eternity.  Or perhaps, this is because each generation is a cumulative of each prior generation, making love all inclusive.

Recently, I have let go of some of my long held beliefs about what is important. There was a time when I believed that having a brand new car, a new house, a new vacation or another guitar were the most important things. Now, I realize it is you, my dears, who are the most important.

Crawler Wallpapers

Many years ago as a boy scout, I learned a wilderness camping principle, the idea of leaving things in better shape than how we have found them. This principle is called “Leave No Trace”.  For me, "Leave No Trace" must be applied to our little, blue planet. We can return the world to a condition that is better from any point of view, than how we had found it. We must do this because it is my generation's legacy to your grandparents, your parents, and to you. As you may know, the world as it is in 2015 is not a suitable gift for anyone’s great grandchildren. However, I am beginning to find people who are committed to working together to answer the hard questions and to find ways to return this planet into a suitable condition for you and your loved-one's lives.  I believe these conditions will evolve along with a number of important actions.


These ways are reflected by some recent ideas including: micro-finance, conscious capitalism, sharing economy, re-wilding and many more. I am committed to working towards the conditions needed to prepare a better world for you and everyone’s great grandchildren.

No one can do this alone, only all of us can.

Please, know that I Love you more than you can ever fully realize.
great granddad Bruce Wayne McLellan


We don't inherit the earth from our ancestors, we borrow it from our children - David Brower 

http://www.brucewaynemclellan.com/home.html 

What do leaders and Fred Flintstone share in common?

Have you ever wondered if working 70-90 hours (or more) per week, week-after-week, really helps

us to get ahead? Put another way: is it possible that I could deliver my best effort, bring my best self to bear, when I am physically exhausted, mentally distracted, and emotionally, perhaps, a little grumpy? Is it really about the QUANTITY of work I do or the QUALITY?  Many of us have experienced the burden of responsibility that a life of leadership entails. Many of us suffer from: long hours at the office, too much stress, too many problems that no-one else could solve, as well as no end and no solution in sight. These are common realities for those who aspire to be leaders. From a certain point of view, it appears that super-human traits and behaviors are a prerequisite to making all the moving parts mesh and continuing to evolve into a truly inspiring, competent leader. Yet, we all need rest, good food, and time with our loved ones.  Being at our best is important, especially, when it comes to interacting with a difficult client, a stressed employee, not to mention an ignored family member. If we are consistently sleep deprived, hungry, thirsty, stressed, distracted and/or caffeine buzzed; we may be setting up the conditions that could cause us to react and behave unfavorably within the key relationships of our lives. This reaction can look at best like - a lack of focus and disinterest and at worst it can be characterized by - the dreaded amygdala hijacking.

“The amygdala is an almond-shaped section of nervous tissue located in the temporal (side) lobe of the brain. There are two amygdalae per person normally, with one amygdala on each side of the brain. They are thought to be a part of the limbic system within the brain, which is responsible for emotions, survival instincts, and memory.” (reference study.com)

When we push ourselves to the limits physically, mentally, and emotionally; something under-the-hood reacts with something like an overload, a blown gasket or ”I’m giving yah all we’ve got captain!” at which point the inner-Scottie goes rogue and out-of-control. At that moment, we have probably hijacked the amygdala - which means we have flipped a switch initiating the fight, flight, or freeze response. It’s important to note that when it comes to rational behavior, this reaction becomes a point-of-no-return. Once triggered, this response is powerful, and the behavior associated with it is reflected in Marvell’s fictional character, the Hulk, for whom stress provokes an exaggerated physical and emotional transformation. Once triggered (like the Hulk), we really don't have much control over our emotions and/or behavior. Thousands of years ago, this part of the brain was designed to help us survive as naked and vulnerable apes when under attack by Saber-toothed cats, Grizzly bears, or other hijacked humanoids. It may be no surprise that the amygdala has been found to be linked to PSTD behavior.

“When the amygdala perceives a threat, it can lead that person to react irrationally and destructively” “An amygdala hijack exhibits three signs: strong emotional reaction, sudden onset, and post-episode realization if the reaction was inappropriate” (reference Wikipedia)

Most of us have had direct experience of being on the transmitting as well as on the receiving end of this kind of hijack. Although, regret and embarrassment may arise after the event passes, apologies may not be sufficient. Even a minor episode of this type can do lasting damage for the most solid relationships. Leading me to ask the question - Is this reaction an unavoidable consequence of being a human who is wired like a caveman yet living in today’s unpredictable and complex global marketplace? Not necessarily…

One obvious choice is to slow-down the pace of life, work less hours, and lead a more balanced home and work life. That would take a serious shift in priorities and a commitment to self-care as a means to success.  However impractical and unimaginable that may sound, this balance can lead to greater creativity and productivity as well as improved receptivity and relationships, all fundamental to success. Additionally (and perhaps alternatively), two simple and easy to implement tools for helping avoid a regrettable hijacking meltdown include: meditation and HALT. Consistent, daily meditation improves our self-awareness and our ability to reduce emotional reactivity. Self-awareness helps us to observe this phenomenon BEFORE the point-of-no-return and allows us to take corrective action to “cool our jets.” This state of self-awareness also aids in recalling and engaging another helpful tool - H.A.L.T which is an acronym for a regular “checking-in” on our basic state of wellbeing. 

HALT represents the phrase - Am I Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired? (For some it would not be too extreme to have the individual letters of HALT tattooed to the finger tips of their dominant hand). Like learning to master a musical instrument or improving your golf game, daily commitment and practice is key. Perhaps, the highest priority of a leader is self awareness and self-care. Similar to the recommendation of a stewardess to: in case of emergency, place an oxygen mask on yourself FIRST before assisting others,we can be aware of and then tend to ourselves before tending to others. That is, before we can lead others we must learn to lead ourselves.

You who are journalists, writers, citizens, you have the right and duty to say to those you have elected that they must practice mindfulness, calm and deep listening, and loving speech. This is universal thing, taught by all religions.
- Thich Nhat Hanh

Visit my Website

When is the optimal time for change?

Change is not always the best solution. Lao Tzu, the Taoist author of the Tao Te Ching was an advocate of non-action. However, he also encourages careful and intentional action with the phrase “Cautious, like crossing a river in the winter.” - Lao Tzu, the Tao Te Ching. Stability is good up to a point. It’s a great thing to enjoy the sense of familiarity, continuity and simplicity that stability can provide. And, change can be hard for anyone. So much could potentially happen that you weren't counting on. Yet, there is a time when change is a critical component to moving forward, getting to the next stage, or simply accepting life on life’s terms. But, how can we tell that change is the missing catalyst to our own evolution, the all important next step for us to take in our lives?

What signals change?
There are several common signals for the need to change including restlessness, angst, and cognitive dissonance, the experience of feeling like you are trying to put a square peg in a round hole. Cognitive dissonance is at play when our behavior does not match our beliefs, principles or values.

Despite our state of readiness, change is inevitable. This happens both in our world and inside of ourselves. Unlike machines, we are constantly changing as we replace our entire body's cells. We are also gradually maturing physically and emotionally and as we grow our values, beliefs and principles move with us. Usually the last part to move is our behavior. For many people the signal for change is a sense that old ways or conditions do not seem to fit anymore. For others, it is simply that they are growing weary of the routine that produces predictably insufficient results in their lives and businesses.

Who am I when it comes to change?
Another factor to consider is that we don’t all respond to change in the same way. Some people readily embrace and instigate change. They are change agents, whose life may be characterized on one hand as dynamic, immediate, as well as unstoppable and on the other as unfocused, chaotic, and unpredictable. This behavior is reflected by the phrase “Ready, GO!”

Others have a tendency to be adverse to change and avoid it all together. Their favorite phrase might be, “Ready, set, set, set, set…(and so on.) ” This behavior reflects a possible state of “analysis paralysis.” It may look like procrastination, but it is probably fear, fear of change. This often ends with a hopeful claim that sounds a little like, "someday change will come, someday"... But, the word "someday" can really be just a euphemism for - "It will never, ever happen!" Knowing who we are when it comes to change is a important key. In attempting to understanding who we are when it comes to change, some find it helpful to reflect on the following questions:

• Do I naturally resist change?
• Do I just go with the flow?
• Do I frequently create change for the sake of change?

Many people find it useful to reflect on change as it has happened in their past. Sitting with questions like: "What was the biggest change when I was a child?" and "How did I deal with it?" as well as "What other major changes have occurred throughout my life?" and "What was my behavior, my natural tendency in those cases?"

Meditation can be a useful tool for reflecting on these questions and thereby increasing self-awareness. We become more self-aware when we can sit in the quiet to consider what is happening internally. We can authentically ask ourselves: “Am I avoiding change because that’s what I always do?” Or, “Am I jumping headlong into change because I am bored or I want to distract myself from higher priority activities, activities that could make me feel uncomfortable.” This process is a very personal journey and reinforces the importance of self-awareness through deep reflection. Trusting that answers will arise from your authentic self in quiet, meditative mindfulness can be both powerful and fruitful.

Discipline and Courage
Once we are clear on our path of action or non-action, then discipline and courage can be instrumental in taking that course. Especially if the action is counter to our nature and involves activities that are outside of our comfort zone.

Personal Power
As individuals, we have the power to create positive change or maintain much needed stability. The choice for possible, internal change is always our own. When we welcome and heed the intuitive voice of our authentic self as our guide, change becomes not only manageable, but also powerfully transformational.

Perhaps the biggest tragedy of our lives is that freedom is possible, yet we can pass our years trapped in the same old patterns.
- Tara Brach