The Elusive Happiness Part 5: Gratitude

“Count your blessings,” my mom and other elders would often say to inspire us toward a sense of gratitude. Although we would politely agree, we had no clue as to the significance of gratitude, the significance of being appreciative, satisfied and happy with what we have. Did that mean that we would not strive to improve our circumstances or to grow and develop ourselves? Not for me. It has come to mean something very powerful and something that would enable me to slow down, smell the flowers, savor life’s abundance and most importantly, stumble upon lingering joy.

One of Positive Psychology’s progenitors, Sonja Lyubomirsky, believes there is a shard of wisdom embodied in this traditional notion of counting blessings. In her book, “The How of Happiness: A Scientific Approach to Getting the Life You Want,” she lists a number of intentional activities supported by scientifically validated data. She has discovered the measurable impact of various intentional activities that anyone could use to stimulate more sustainable happiness, joy, in one's life. Gratitude is one of these treasured activities.

However, gratitude is not unique to positive psychology. Gratitude has been with us for millenia, birthed from within the heart of our ancient grandmothers. . It has been successfully implemented as a core practice in 12 step programs, religions, and many other organizations. And now science, the ultimate litmus test for our age, has legitimized and made relevant a time-tested practice for our complex information age. The manners and methods of expressing gratitude are only limited by the imagination.

Here are some simple yet profound gratitude practices that anyone might easily adopt: 

1. Keep a weekly "gratitude journal" for energizing and capturing our expressions of gratitude.
2. Before each meal, inwardly (or outwardly) express gratitude to the multitude of beings that make your daily meals possible. 
3. Allow your first thoughts and feelings of each day to be an expression of gratitude for a new day, another chance to make a difference. 

Dad and my son, Kevin

I have experimented with numerous gratitude practices throughout my life. One recent experiment in particular has had a meaningful impact on my Dad and also on me. At this writing, my Dad is a in his 85th year. He is living in a wonderful assisted-living facility in Southern Maine. I have been thinking for a number of months that I wanted to thank him for his part in giving me life and for the many amazing experiences, values, and learnings he has passed on to me. I am embarrassed to say that I procrastinated, not wanting to get it wrong, not wanting to leave anything out or to sound trite, smarmy or insincere. 

Early this past summer, he came down with a persistent case of pneumonia, which seemed unconquerable. And at one point, I began to feel pangs of fear and remorse believing that I had totally missed my chance. Gratefully, he recovered. So,I seized the moment. (See letter below) I called a few days after I had mailed the letter. And, he delightfully recounted receiving and reading the letter and then reading it again for some community friends. He then said, “Every father should be fortunate enough to receive a letter like that from their son.”

Needless to say, I was deeply moved by his insight. At that moment, I inwardly decided that I would read the letter to him aloud and in person so that we both would better remember and benefit from the sentiment. A few weeks later when I did have the chance to read it aloud for my Dad, I struggle to speak as my throat was constricted with the powerful emotions of that moment: admiration, love and deep gratitude. And while I read, he smiled a rare smile of joy that I shall never forget.

I know that for years to come, that extraordinary moment will bring me heartfelt gladness as I recall his unforgettable, bright smile. A smile that arose as a natural consequence of the expression of simple gratitude.

Just maybe, you will reflect on your own life and consider the people who have had a positive impact. Hopefully, you will become fortunate enough in quickly overcoming any hesitation to express gratitude. And perhaps, you’ll write a letter and consider reading it out loud and in person. It's all in your hands now. What's there to lose?


Dear Dad,       September 14, 2015

I just wanted to write this note to say that I remember. I remember being at the farm with my Davy Crockett figurine and being photographed on my first birthday. I remember music happening often and everywhere, and I remember long, cold winters all the way back to the very beginning.
I also remember my dad (that’s you!) working really hard.  You were always working. You were working for us.  Working to build our house and put food on the table. And, that's not all. You were going to the mill at odd hours, roofing and cutting down trees that were too tall for anybody else to handle.  In fact, you worked harder than just about anyone else could ever handle. I'll never forget what you have done and just how hard you worked.

And, I remember sleeping in the Army tent for two summers (that was a favorite.)   I remember a glider landing at Morrill's field and having dinner with the pilot.  I remember us having great times together with friends and family. And, I remember Grammy Maude's delighted face with eyebrows held high on the day that she cooked us breakfast. I remember hunting trips where we'd get up before dawn to meet the deer in the woods and I loved getting up so early that it hurt, it made me feel so alive and part of something bigger than myself. I remember the first day we took a small motor boat to go ashore to the wilderness plot that was to become camp, the sacred place we call Tapanukeg.  I remember building camp together.  I remember waking to the sunrise at Ironbound Pond with loons calling loudly and splashing golden light everywhere like an angel's happy dance bathing in Divine and brilliant light and love. I remember Mom holding the curtain in one hand to look out the window, her face illuminated by the sunrise and the loon's ritual dance. I wouldn't trade those memories for anything. 

These are just a few words that are inadequate to capture the depth and breadth of our shared life's experience. There is so much of life where you were the leading man and Mom was by your side. And, all of this time, we have all been growing old in parallel. The train doesn't stop for anyone. It just keeps chugging along. (Ha!) Yes, you are just a few years ahead of me now. And, I understand a small thing. There's so much in my life to be thankful for. There so much joy that you have created and shared with all of us. I wanted to let you know that I have noticed. I have noticed it all. I see it all and I relive these memories often, because these are some of the happiest memories of my life.  And now, I return the joy, all of the memories and good times back to you. You can borrow them for as long as you'd like to.  I hope you will hold them close and wear them in your heart. There almost free, all it will cost you is a smile and a tear. 

Paid in full. Signed, sealed and delivered with Love and a big hug.

-Bruce

Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend - Melody Beattie

The Elusive Happiness Part 4: Enduring Happiness Enhancers™ (EHE)

In 1998, there was a significant paradigm shift in the field of psychology. With the advent of Positive Psychology a 180 degree turn away from focusing on the darker aspects of human psychology, psychiatric disorders; and a turn toward happiness and other positive emotions had begun. This caught my attention, as I don't know anyone who wouldn't want a little more happiness in their day. Do you?

Positive psychology is the branch of psychology that uses scientific understanding and effective intervention to aid in the achievement of a satisfactory life,rather than treating mental illness. The focus of positive psychology is on personal growth rather than on pathology, as is common among other frameworks within the field of psychology. Reference Wikipedia

The positive psychology movement is led by visionaries like: Martin Seligman, Nancy Etcoff, Dan Gilbert, Mike Csikszentmihalyi, and Sonja Lyubomirsky; who ask questions like, "Is happiness measurable?", "Are there different categories of happiness?"and "What are the measurable causes of lasting happiness?"

Sonja Lyubomirsky leverages her PhD in psychology to explore positive psychology. In her book "The How of Happiness" she emphasizes the importance of measuring happiness in determining its reliable and intentional causes. Early findings indicate that approximately 50% of our happiness actually originates from our genetic makeup. The good news is everyone's programmed for happiness. At this point, we don't have control over our genetic makeup in regards to happiness. But, there are other aspects for which we do exert some control and for which we have choices in promoting our own enduring wellbeing and happiness.

One of these aspects is our circumstances. This includes our life circumstances such as our position or role at work, societal and economic status, the number of cars we have parked in the garage, exotic vacations, etc.  In other words, this aspect of our happiness experience is derived through external conditions of our environment.  In the west our cultural focus is almost entirely on our circumstances as a means to attaining happiness and fulfillment. We consider the "pursuit of happiness" to be around our circumstance or external conditions... Sonja reports that 20% of our happiness is derived from our circumstances, which reveals a remaining 40% gap. The 40% that is left and is within our ability to control relates to what we could call "Intentional Activities." Examples of intentional activities include: exercise, meditation, expressing gratitude, being in the flow, and connecting with loved ones, just to name a few.

What this is saying is: "If we perform these 40% activities on a regular basis we will experience more happiness and satisfaction in our lives." Sonja cautions that we don't want to make this into a "project",a typical workaholic to-do list or try to commit to all of them. According to the research, that approach would be counter-productive. Instead, it is best to customize and personalize our "happiness enhancers" with a couple of activities that match our personality and lifestyle. Then, begin implementing these activities in a lovingly, but committed manner.

This 40% runs contrary to our cultural beliefs around changing our circumstances as the be-all, end-all in the pursuit of happiness. Clearly, we are focused on the wrong things.

So, I earnestly wonder, "In the face of this contradiction at the core of our culture, will we boldly make different choices or will we sheepishly return to the status quo?"

Let's consider the following question: would you be willing to absolutely commit to doing something for one minute each day if it would impact the quality and quantity of your happiness? And further, would you be willing to do this for yourself and to inspire those around you to improve their lives too? If you find this to be the slightest bit compelling, I encourage you to ponder this suggestion.

I highly recommend a daily commitment to a one-minute meditation as a baby step toward a happier life:

1. There are more than 76 scientifically measurable benefits (including more life satisfaction) from a daily meditation practice. 
2. It's easy to get started with this one minute meditation video. One Minute Meditation

In the weeks that follow, I intend to explore a few other options for intentional activities that measurably improve life satisfaction and yes, happiness... I sincerely hope you will enjoy these and perhaps, pass them along to loved ones. (to be continued)

Helping to make the world a better place for my great grand children, yours, and future generations,
-Bruce


Happiness is like a butterfly; the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder - Henry David Thoreau