The Elusive Happiness Part 3: Belonging

In the quest for finding that "something more" that can support a sustained state of well-being, sustained happiness or joy, I started wondering if we had sacrificed something for our heightened state of affluence. In the West, we possess incredible financial power and freedom. But, is there a cost for this choice of abundant wealth? The first word that bubbled up for me was "autonomy."

Affluence has created and encouraged autonomy on a massive scale. Autonomy is viewed as empowering, reflective of a higher life-status and success, as well as attractive and even sexy. It is fostered by the fact that many individuals possess at least one automobile; a house or apartment; a lawn mower, at least one computer, a private bed and bathroom and so on. That level of autonomy does not exist in all parts of the world. Autonomy is a widely held value in the West.

We have strong cultural values that support and elevate autonomy as a virtue and disparages dependence.   In our society we don't necessarily view needing or depending on others as a good thing.  Unflattering words are used for referencing dependency  like: moocher, codependent, and needy. Also, asking someone for help is viewed as an admission of weakness and many struggle with asking, even in a crisis. Dependency is considered a weakness a condition of the infirmed or elderly. As popular and empowering as autonomy can be, this value has a darker side.

Autonomy can leave us disconnected, isolated, and at it's worst, lonely. The cost of autonomy can be a self-perpetuated isolation. Because of the ease of autonomy and because of less dependence on others we've lost touch with the fact that we need one another. Humans are inherently social creatures that thrive and grow in the company of others. (It takes a village...)

The Blessed Mother Teresa, a well known Roman Catholic religious sister and missionary, had at numerous times reflected on what we have sacrificed in the pursuit of affluence and freedom. "The greatest disease in the west today is not TB or leprosy; it is being unwanted unloved and uncared for" - Mother Teresa, The Simple Path.

Another factor (beyond autonomy) that has an impact on our routine state of isolation is technology. technology creating further isolation in our society and disconnection between each other.
In her recent book. Alone Together, Sherry Terkle expresses concerns about

"We expect more from technology and less from each other." and "We're getting used to a new way of being alone together."  - Sherry Turkle

For more information view her TEDtalk: Sherry Turkle: Connected, but alone?

Even the most shy people that we know, need human presence, touch, voice and care. The inherent human need for a sense of belonging may also be found  in Maslow’s Needs hierarchy. Beyond basic survival and safety needs, humans require a sense of belonging. We can't find that in isolation, we can only get that from each other.  "The needs for safety, belonging, love relations and for respect can be satisfied only by other people, i.e., only from outside the person. " ― Abraham Maslow, Toward a Psychology of Being.

 Without this sense of belonging, we can't proceed through the evolutionary steps toward the pinnacle of Maslow's triangle, self realization. We appear to be ill-equipped to achieve our full potential. Yet, herein is a golden opportunity.

In Africa, autonomy is not nearly as widespread as in the West. My porters, their friends and families count on each other for many critical aspects of their lives including: water, food, lodging, etc.  These people are keenly aware of their dependence upon one another and routinely ask for help. As a result, our African brothers and sisters may not experience the same financial wealth found in the West, but they do enjoy a different kind of abundance, the abundance of togetherness found in belonging.

What actions and attitudes can one take to increase a sense of belonging, a sense of happiness? Here are a few suggestions that may serve anyone (including me) as baby steps for improving our state of contentedness and belonging and thereby enhancing the experience of happiness.

1. Spend regular time with loved ones: not just during the holidays, not just on the weekend, but nearly every day.
2. Make room to connect: Put away the technology that distracts us from each other.  Briefly, put away the texting, emailing and posting. (It will be there when you return.)
3. Look up and into their faces and listen carefully to their words (as well as the feelings behind those words) and be a witness of the lives of those you love and care for.
4. Shift attitude: We all love to work hard so it may be time to ask ourselves the question, "what is all of that hard work for?"
5. Ask for help: (even when you don't need it!) to pull someone into your life for a few moments, to share and connect.

Having explored a sense of belonging, I felt I was on the right track. Still, I intuitively felt that I was just beginning to understand happiness and began to wonder about other actions and attitudes that might come into play in the pursuit of the Elusive Happiness (to be continued)

We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love. - Dr. Seuss

The Elusive Happiness Part 2: Money and Happiness

After successfully summiting Kilimanjaro, a state of deep humility began to prepare fertile ground

within me. During my homeward-bound flight departing from this magnificent mountainous country and her amazing people, many questions bubbled up from that ripe place within. And, I wistfully pondered the meaning of it all.

Transitioning back to the "Real World" was difficult for me as it is for many who encounter life far beyond the boundaries of their normal day-to-day experience. The tight boundaries of my beliefs and understandings were beginning to stretch and expand never to contract again. Inspired by our trip leader, Rick French, I was beginning to question which world was more "real". Was it more real back in the sheltered, virtual, "Disney-like" world , of the affluent West or was it more real within the humble hearts and simple life of the genuinely content people of this poor African country?

Shortly after my return, I learned that the average annual income of a Tanzanian is about $500 US. That's $500 annual; income for a family! Remembering the profound impact of the shared joy of my African comrades, questions bubbled up within me about the relationship between money and happiness. Does money really make us happy, as the ads on television and Internet (not to mention the culture of the West) tries to convince? Chuckling to myself sarcastically, I began to playfully consider whether my next purchase was going to be the one to tip the scales of perpetual happiness for me. Soberly, I genuinely was beginning to understand that this was probably not ever going to be the case and I began to wonder if there was any research on the relationship between money and happiness.

As it turns out, the suspicions subjectively rising from my experiences in Africa have indeed been validated by others. (refer to the figure below) The vertical axis represents a rating of happiness experienced which is plotted against the horizontal graph representing the years 1950 to 2008.

Data from the Historical Statistics of the United States and Economic Indicators, Myers

As the figure shows, the average American, though certainly richer, is not a bit happier. In 1957, some 35 percent said they were “very happy,” as did slightly fewer-32 percent-in 2008. Much the same has been true of Europe, Australia, and Japan, where increasing real incomes have not produced increasing happiness (Australian Unity, 2008; Diener & Biswas - Diener, 2002, 2009; Di Tella & MacCulloch, 2010). Ditto China, where living standards have risen but satisfaction has not (Brockmann et al., 2009). These findings lob a bombshell at modern materialism: Economic growth in affluent countries has provided no apparent boost to morale or social well - being. (reference Psychology by David G. Myer)

So, here in the West (aka the Real World) many of our decisions are based on the unfounded belief that more money will bring more happiness. It was as if I had been putting all of my energy and time into the expectation of a sunrise that was never going to happen. I could see clearly the cascading effect of the many decisions of my short life in pursuit of happiness were really taking me nowhere. Although I was completely bewildered and disillusioned, a hopeful smile eventually  began to stretch across my face, heart, and entire being. This was a smile of understanding. No longer blinded, my new perspective gave me the impetus and insight necessary to overcome the obstacles for a much-needed change in my life.

OK. So it's not money, which is not to say that money is inherently bad. In fact, there is a minimum level of money, which can bring us to a desirable state just above survival and safety needs that contributes greatly to our level of happiness. And, anything above that should not necessarily detract from that happiness. But to become truly happy,, we apparently need something more. At that moment, I began to intensely wonder, "what was that something and where could it be found?" (to be continued)

Enjoy everything that happens in your life, but never make your happiness or success dependent on an attachment to any person, place or thing.

- Wayne Dyer