2. Presence: We lend our undivided attention through deep listening to others.

Presence is the most important gift we can give to one another. It is the gift to witness each others lives, to see others in all of their glory. It creates the glue that binds us together. I think of it as social glue, which can foster a sense of deep belonging.  Whatever our relationship with another is, presence holds the key to connection; presence gives the other person the experience of our essence. In it we can hear and validate another's existence, feelings, notions, and their worth. We don't have to agree or disagree, we can just listen and very importantly - suspend judgment. We don't even have to respond when they pause, instead we can calmly wait for them to begin speaking again, and breathe.

True presence looks like a mindfulness meditation, where the other person becomes the precious object of that meditation. We can begin by setting an intention, asking ourselves the question, "who will listen to this person?" and then answer with a resounding, "I will!"

When we listen to another mindfully, we can set aside and turn-off the electronics. We can calm our breath making it slow and steady. We can free our mind from distractions, setting aside our own scattered thoughts. We can listen to the words and what is beyond the words. What is beyond the words includes the music of their voice as well as the enchanting dance of their facial and body expressions. We can acknowledge them with our own non-verbal expressions and short encouraging phrases like: I understand, go on, mmm etc. being especially careful not to interrupt their flow.

When we can bring ourselves completely into that moment with another, we give others what we all want most: a deep, undeniable connection with another person.

The greatest disease in the West today is not TB or leprosy; it is being unwanted, unloved, and uncared for - Mother Teresa

Why are our Future Generations Important?

Future Generations: We seek to be consistently aware of the consequences of our action on others.

This is directly related to our mission: to help make the world a better place for our great grandchildren by serving the spirit of leadership arising in all of us.

One might pose the question: Are those who are alive in 2016 responsible for any future beings welfare? There are many perspectives on this question. I'd like to explore two at this present moment.

First:  As each of my own children mature into adulthood and assume responsibility for their own lives, it's admittedly hard to let go and let them make their own decisions without the temptation to butt in. In that case, it’s not my responsibility, so I stay out of it unless asked. So in a real sense, many of us have faced this perspective in our own lifetimes. Second: Another perspective deals with a more pertinent question, which is a question about the condition of our planet, society, environment, economics, etc. Are we doing the right thing by future generations when they are left with: massive, national debts; environmental catastrophes, millions unable to provide the basics survival needs for themselves and their families; an over-populated world; the remnants and resentments of endless wars? Is this the inheritance we wish to leave for our future loved ones?  And, do we have a choice? Are there other options?

I had the good fortune to experience scouting as a young boy. One of the camping practices that we learned is called "Leave-No-Trace", which is the idea that when you have used a campsite one should leave it in BETTER condition than how it was found. Since I was a child, I have been wondering why Leave-No-Trace practices doesn't apply to our relationship with the whole world. I have wondered why it does not apply to the manner in which we regard and treat any worldly resource that may be a necessity for future generations. For example, if we cut down a tree we could plant two or more. This stewardship-oriented ideal may reflect the widespread interest in the notion of sustainability at all levels: environmental, social, economic, business, and energy to name a few.

Perhaps, humankind is genetically and socially programmed to dominate, conquer, and exploit resources. I can see that at the dawn of human existence how that might be a useful quality. However in 2016, like the aggression of a cancerous growth, this self-centric quality has long out-lived its usefulness as the dominating mode of operation in my humble opinion.

For me, the beginning of a solution starts with conscious leadership, which is an inside job. Why is it an inside job? We must develop the skill and wherewithal to lead and master our own drives so that we can lead others to do the same. Potentially, we all may fall victim to the unconscious urging of genetic and social pressure. For me, conscious leadership is about enhancing our awareness of these urges so that we may be empowered to do what's right as opposed to what's easy. <to be continued>

To the highest leadership among women it is given to hold steadily in one hand the sacred vessels that hold the ancient sanctities of life, and in the other a flaming torch to light the way for oncoming generations. Anna Garlin Spencer

©2016 Bruce Wayne McLellan

The Elusive Happiness Part 5: Gratitude

“Count your blessings,” my mom and other elders would often say to inspire us toward a sense of gratitude. Although we would politely agree, we had no clue as to the significance of gratitude, the significance of being appreciative, satisfied and happy with what we have. Did that mean that we would not strive to improve our circumstances or to grow and develop ourselves? Not for me. It has come to mean something very powerful and something that would enable me to slow down, smell the flowers, savor life’s abundance and most importantly, stumble upon lingering joy.

One of Positive Psychology’s progenitors, Sonja Lyubomirsky, believes there is a shard of wisdom embodied in this traditional notion of counting blessings. In her book, “The How of Happiness: A Scientific Approach to Getting the Life You Want,” she lists a number of intentional activities supported by scientifically validated data. She has discovered the measurable impact of various intentional activities that anyone could use to stimulate more sustainable happiness, joy, in one's life. Gratitude is one of these treasured activities.

However, gratitude is not unique to positive psychology. Gratitude has been with us for millenia, birthed from within the heart of our ancient grandmothers. . It has been successfully implemented as a core practice in 12 step programs, religions, and many other organizations. And now science, the ultimate litmus test for our age, has legitimized and made relevant a time-tested practice for our complex information age. The manners and methods of expressing gratitude are only limited by the imagination.

Here are some simple yet profound gratitude practices that anyone might easily adopt: 

1. Keep a weekly "gratitude journal" for energizing and capturing our expressions of gratitude.
2. Before each meal, inwardly (or outwardly) express gratitude to the multitude of beings that make your daily meals possible. 
3. Allow your first thoughts and feelings of each day to be an expression of gratitude for a new day, another chance to make a difference. 

Dad and my son, Kevin

I have experimented with numerous gratitude practices throughout my life. One recent experiment in particular has had a meaningful impact on my Dad and also on me. At this writing, my Dad is a in his 85th year. He is living in a wonderful assisted-living facility in Southern Maine. I have been thinking for a number of months that I wanted to thank him for his part in giving me life and for the many amazing experiences, values, and learnings he has passed on to me. I am embarrassed to say that I procrastinated, not wanting to get it wrong, not wanting to leave anything out or to sound trite, smarmy or insincere. 

Early this past summer, he came down with a persistent case of pneumonia, which seemed unconquerable. And at one point, I began to feel pangs of fear and remorse believing that I had totally missed my chance. Gratefully, he recovered. So,I seized the moment. (See letter below) I called a few days after I had mailed the letter. And, he delightfully recounted receiving and reading the letter and then reading it again for some community friends. He then said, “Every father should be fortunate enough to receive a letter like that from their son.”

Needless to say, I was deeply moved by his insight. At that moment, I inwardly decided that I would read the letter to him aloud and in person so that we both would better remember and benefit from the sentiment. A few weeks later when I did have the chance to read it aloud for my Dad, I struggle to speak as my throat was constricted with the powerful emotions of that moment: admiration, love and deep gratitude. And while I read, he smiled a rare smile of joy that I shall never forget.

I know that for years to come, that extraordinary moment will bring me heartfelt gladness as I recall his unforgettable, bright smile. A smile that arose as a natural consequence of the expression of simple gratitude.

Just maybe, you will reflect on your own life and consider the people who have had a positive impact. Hopefully, you will become fortunate enough in quickly overcoming any hesitation to express gratitude. And perhaps, you’ll write a letter and consider reading it out loud and in person. It's all in your hands now. What's there to lose?


Dear Dad,       September 14, 2015

I just wanted to write this note to say that I remember. I remember being at the farm with my Davy Crockett figurine and being photographed on my first birthday. I remember music happening often and everywhere, and I remember long, cold winters all the way back to the very beginning.
I also remember my dad (that’s you!) working really hard.  You were always working. You were working for us.  Working to build our house and put food on the table. And, that's not all. You were going to the mill at odd hours, roofing and cutting down trees that were too tall for anybody else to handle.  In fact, you worked harder than just about anyone else could ever handle. I'll never forget what you have done and just how hard you worked.

And, I remember sleeping in the Army tent for two summers (that was a favorite.)   I remember a glider landing at Morrill's field and having dinner with the pilot.  I remember us having great times together with friends and family. And, I remember Grammy Maude's delighted face with eyebrows held high on the day that she cooked us breakfast. I remember hunting trips where we'd get up before dawn to meet the deer in the woods and I loved getting up so early that it hurt, it made me feel so alive and part of something bigger than myself. I remember the first day we took a small motor boat to go ashore to the wilderness plot that was to become camp, the sacred place we call Tapanukeg.  I remember building camp together.  I remember waking to the sunrise at Ironbound Pond with loons calling loudly and splashing golden light everywhere like an angel's happy dance bathing in Divine and brilliant light and love. I remember Mom holding the curtain in one hand to look out the window, her face illuminated by the sunrise and the loon's ritual dance. I wouldn't trade those memories for anything. 

These are just a few words that are inadequate to capture the depth and breadth of our shared life's experience. There is so much of life where you were the leading man and Mom was by your side. And, all of this time, we have all been growing old in parallel. The train doesn't stop for anyone. It just keeps chugging along. (Ha!) Yes, you are just a few years ahead of me now. And, I understand a small thing. There's so much in my life to be thankful for. There so much joy that you have created and shared with all of us. I wanted to let you know that I have noticed. I have noticed it all. I see it all and I relive these memories often, because these are some of the happiest memories of my life.  And now, I return the joy, all of the memories and good times back to you. You can borrow them for as long as you'd like to.  I hope you will hold them close and wear them in your heart. There almost free, all it will cost you is a smile and a tear. 

Paid in full. Signed, sealed and delivered with Love and a big hug.

-Bruce

Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend - Melody Beattie

The Elusive Happiness Part 4: Enduring Happiness Enhancers™ (EHE)

In 1998, there was a significant paradigm shift in the field of psychology. With the advent of Positive Psychology a 180 degree turn away from focusing on the darker aspects of human psychology, psychiatric disorders; and a turn toward happiness and other positive emotions had begun. This caught my attention, as I don't know anyone who wouldn't want a little more happiness in their day. Do you?

Positive psychology is the branch of psychology that uses scientific understanding and effective intervention to aid in the achievement of a satisfactory life,rather than treating mental illness. The focus of positive psychology is on personal growth rather than on pathology, as is common among other frameworks within the field of psychology. Reference Wikipedia

The positive psychology movement is led by visionaries like: Martin Seligman, Nancy Etcoff, Dan Gilbert, Mike Csikszentmihalyi, and Sonja Lyubomirsky; who ask questions like, "Is happiness measurable?", "Are there different categories of happiness?"and "What are the measurable causes of lasting happiness?"

Sonja Lyubomirsky leverages her PhD in psychology to explore positive psychology. In her book "The How of Happiness" she emphasizes the importance of measuring happiness in determining its reliable and intentional causes. Early findings indicate that approximately 50% of our happiness actually originates from our genetic makeup. The good news is everyone's programmed for happiness. At this point, we don't have control over our genetic makeup in regards to happiness. But, there are other aspects for which we do exert some control and for which we have choices in promoting our own enduring wellbeing and happiness.

One of these aspects is our circumstances. This includes our life circumstances such as our position or role at work, societal and economic status, the number of cars we have parked in the garage, exotic vacations, etc.  In other words, this aspect of our happiness experience is derived through external conditions of our environment.  In the west our cultural focus is almost entirely on our circumstances as a means to attaining happiness and fulfillment. We consider the "pursuit of happiness" to be around our circumstance or external conditions... Sonja reports that 20% of our happiness is derived from our circumstances, which reveals a remaining 40% gap. The 40% that is left and is within our ability to control relates to what we could call "Intentional Activities." Examples of intentional activities include: exercise, meditation, expressing gratitude, being in the flow, and connecting with loved ones, just to name a few.

What this is saying is: "If we perform these 40% activities on a regular basis we will experience more happiness and satisfaction in our lives." Sonja cautions that we don't want to make this into a "project",a typical workaholic to-do list or try to commit to all of them. According to the research, that approach would be counter-productive. Instead, it is best to customize and personalize our "happiness enhancers" with a couple of activities that match our personality and lifestyle. Then, begin implementing these activities in a lovingly, but committed manner.

This 40% runs contrary to our cultural beliefs around changing our circumstances as the be-all, end-all in the pursuit of happiness. Clearly, we are focused on the wrong things.

So, I earnestly wonder, "In the face of this contradiction at the core of our culture, will we boldly make different choices or will we sheepishly return to the status quo?"

Let's consider the following question: would you be willing to absolutely commit to doing something for one minute each day if it would impact the quality and quantity of your happiness? And further, would you be willing to do this for yourself and to inspire those around you to improve their lives too? If you find this to be the slightest bit compelling, I encourage you to ponder this suggestion.

I highly recommend a daily commitment to a one-minute meditation as a baby step toward a happier life:

1. There are more than 76 scientifically measurable benefits (including more life satisfaction) from a daily meditation practice. 
2. It's easy to get started with this one minute meditation video. One Minute Meditation

In the weeks that follow, I intend to explore a few other options for intentional activities that measurably improve life satisfaction and yes, happiness... I sincerely hope you will enjoy these and perhaps, pass them along to loved ones. (to be continued)

Helping to make the world a better place for my great grand children, yours, and future generations,
-Bruce


Happiness is like a butterfly; the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder - Henry David Thoreau

The Elusive Happiness Part 3: Belonging

In the quest for finding that "something more" that can support a sustained state of well-being, sustained happiness or joy, I started wondering if we had sacrificed something for our heightened state of affluence. In the West, we possess incredible financial power and freedom. But, is there a cost for this choice of abundant wealth? The first word that bubbled up for me was "autonomy."

Affluence has created and encouraged autonomy on a massive scale. Autonomy is viewed as empowering, reflective of a higher life-status and success, as well as attractive and even sexy. It is fostered by the fact that many individuals possess at least one automobile; a house or apartment; a lawn mower, at least one computer, a private bed and bathroom and so on. That level of autonomy does not exist in all parts of the world. Autonomy is a widely held value in the West.

We have strong cultural values that support and elevate autonomy as a virtue and disparages dependence.   In our society we don't necessarily view needing or depending on others as a good thing.  Unflattering words are used for referencing dependency  like: moocher, codependent, and needy. Also, asking someone for help is viewed as an admission of weakness and many struggle with asking, even in a crisis. Dependency is considered a weakness a condition of the infirmed or elderly. As popular and empowering as autonomy can be, this value has a darker side.

Autonomy can leave us disconnected, isolated, and at it's worst, lonely. The cost of autonomy can be a self-perpetuated isolation. Because of the ease of autonomy and because of less dependence on others we've lost touch with the fact that we need one another. Humans are inherently social creatures that thrive and grow in the company of others. (It takes a village...)

The Blessed Mother Teresa, a well known Roman Catholic religious sister and missionary, had at numerous times reflected on what we have sacrificed in the pursuit of affluence and freedom. "The greatest disease in the west today is not TB or leprosy; it is being unwanted unloved and uncared for" - Mother Teresa, The Simple Path.

Another factor (beyond autonomy) that has an impact on our routine state of isolation is technology. technology creating further isolation in our society and disconnection between each other.
In her recent book. Alone Together, Sherry Terkle expresses concerns about

"We expect more from technology and less from each other." and "We're getting used to a new way of being alone together."  - Sherry Turkle

For more information view her TEDtalk: Sherry Turkle: Connected, but alone?

Even the most shy people that we know, need human presence, touch, voice and care. The inherent human need for a sense of belonging may also be found  in Maslow’s Needs hierarchy. Beyond basic survival and safety needs, humans require a sense of belonging. We can't find that in isolation, we can only get that from each other.  "The needs for safety, belonging, love relations and for respect can be satisfied only by other people, i.e., only from outside the person. " ― Abraham Maslow, Toward a Psychology of Being.

 Without this sense of belonging, we can't proceed through the evolutionary steps toward the pinnacle of Maslow's triangle, self realization. We appear to be ill-equipped to achieve our full potential. Yet, herein is a golden opportunity.

In Africa, autonomy is not nearly as widespread as in the West. My porters, their friends and families count on each other for many critical aspects of their lives including: water, food, lodging, etc.  These people are keenly aware of their dependence upon one another and routinely ask for help. As a result, our African brothers and sisters may not experience the same financial wealth found in the West, but they do enjoy a different kind of abundance, the abundance of togetherness found in belonging.

What actions and attitudes can one take to increase a sense of belonging, a sense of happiness? Here are a few suggestions that may serve anyone (including me) as baby steps for improving our state of contentedness and belonging and thereby enhancing the experience of happiness.

1. Spend regular time with loved ones: not just during the holidays, not just on the weekend, but nearly every day.
2. Make room to connect: Put away the technology that distracts us from each other.  Briefly, put away the texting, emailing and posting. (It will be there when you return.)
3. Look up and into their faces and listen carefully to their words (as well as the feelings behind those words) and be a witness of the lives of those you love and care for.
4. Shift attitude: We all love to work hard so it may be time to ask ourselves the question, "what is all of that hard work for?"
5. Ask for help: (even when you don't need it!) to pull someone into your life for a few moments, to share and connect.

Having explored a sense of belonging, I felt I was on the right track. Still, I intuitively felt that I was just beginning to understand happiness and began to wonder about other actions and attitudes that might come into play in the pursuit of the Elusive Happiness (to be continued)

We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love. - Dr. Seuss

The Elusive Happiness Part 2: Money and Happiness

After successfully summiting Kilimanjaro, a state of deep humility began to prepare fertile ground

within me. During my homeward-bound flight departing from this magnificent mountainous country and her amazing people, many questions bubbled up from that ripe place within. And, I wistfully pondered the meaning of it all.

Transitioning back to the "Real World" was difficult for me as it is for many who encounter life far beyond the boundaries of their normal day-to-day experience. The tight boundaries of my beliefs and understandings were beginning to stretch and expand never to contract again. Inspired by our trip leader, Rick French, I was beginning to question which world was more "real". Was it more real back in the sheltered, virtual, "Disney-like" world , of the affluent West or was it more real within the humble hearts and simple life of the genuinely content people of this poor African country?

Shortly after my return, I learned that the average annual income of a Tanzanian is about $500 US. That's $500 annual; income for a family! Remembering the profound impact of the shared joy of my African comrades, questions bubbled up within me about the relationship between money and happiness. Does money really make us happy, as the ads on television and Internet (not to mention the culture of the West) tries to convince? Chuckling to myself sarcastically, I began to playfully consider whether my next purchase was going to be the one to tip the scales of perpetual happiness for me. Soberly, I genuinely was beginning to understand that this was probably not ever going to be the case and I began to wonder if there was any research on the relationship between money and happiness.

As it turns out, the suspicions subjectively rising from my experiences in Africa have indeed been validated by others. (refer to the figure below) The vertical axis represents a rating of happiness experienced which is plotted against the horizontal graph representing the years 1950 to 2008.

Data from the Historical Statistics of the United States and Economic Indicators, Myers

As the figure shows, the average American, though certainly richer, is not a bit happier. In 1957, some 35 percent said they were “very happy,” as did slightly fewer-32 percent-in 2008. Much the same has been true of Europe, Australia, and Japan, where increasing real incomes have not produced increasing happiness (Australian Unity, 2008; Diener & Biswas - Diener, 2002, 2009; Di Tella & MacCulloch, 2010). Ditto China, where living standards have risen but satisfaction has not (Brockmann et al., 2009). These findings lob a bombshell at modern materialism: Economic growth in affluent countries has provided no apparent boost to morale or social well - being. (reference Psychology by David G. Myer)

So, here in the West (aka the Real World) many of our decisions are based on the unfounded belief that more money will bring more happiness. It was as if I had been putting all of my energy and time into the expectation of a sunrise that was never going to happen. I could see clearly the cascading effect of the many decisions of my short life in pursuit of happiness were really taking me nowhere. Although I was completely bewildered and disillusioned, a hopeful smile eventually  began to stretch across my face, heart, and entire being. This was a smile of understanding. No longer blinded, my new perspective gave me the impetus and insight necessary to overcome the obstacles for a much-needed change in my life.

OK. So it's not money, which is not to say that money is inherently bad. In fact, there is a minimum level of money, which can bring us to a desirable state just above survival and safety needs that contributes greatly to our level of happiness. And, anything above that should not necessarily detract from that happiness. But to become truly happy,, we apparently need something more. At that moment, I began to intensely wonder, "what was that something and where could it be found?" (to be continued)

Enjoy everything that happens in your life, but never make your happiness or success dependent on an attachment to any person, place or thing.

- Wayne Dyer

The Elusive Happiness Part 1: Barranco Wall

One of my life long dreams has been to climb a world-class mountain. In 2010 at the age of 57, I had the great fortune of summiting Mt. Kilimanjaro in Tanzania, Africa. One of the numerous unanticipated experiences I chanced upon high on Kili, has impressed me to the bone. It was not, surprisingly, achieving a check-mark on my bucket list. 

Our porters were local Tanzanian people who carried our bags, supplies and tents up the mountain. This is done for many reasons: to increase the likelihood of summiting, to improve the quality of our overall experience, and to provide a much needed income for the local people. As we, a group known as "Journeys of Inspiration" and our porters, lived together on the mountain for nine days and nights, I became increasingly aware of a trend that was to change my long-held beliefs around happiness.

On one particularly inspiring morning, we were climbing on one of the steepest parts of the mountain's terrain called the Barranco Wall. Although this section did not require ropes and harnesses, it did involve allot of scrambling (climbing on all fours.) We pulled and pressed ourselves over large boulders and up onto small ledges with spectacular views of the campsite we had just left that was now hundreds of feet below us. Many of us struggled with acrophobia, a fear of heights, in attempting to surmount “the Wall.” While we struggled, the porters remained nonplussed, shouldering their burdens with consistently smiling faces and lending a hand to the terror stricken Americans during our dramatic moments. Their warm and congenial presence helped to ease our anxieties and helped us negotiate this challenging climb.  

Most of the porters spoke little or no English and our "American-accented" Swahili was limited to a few short phrases. Yet, we understood each other and bonded with one another through this grand, shared experience. One porter in particular was wearing a brightly colored  cotton tee; torn, brown work pants; and hi-top sneakers in stark contrast to our high-priced E.M.S. quick-dry, mountain clothes and hi-tech hiking boots. In a singularly sweet moment, he was to have a significant impact on me. 

The laces on both of his sneakers were broken and in lieu of lacing them he had wrapped them round-and-round the base of his toes to secure the fading and worn shoes to his sock-less feet. He was carrying a burlap bag high on his broad shoulders. (I discovered later that the bag he carried weighed close to 90 lbs.) Despite his modest footwear and heavy load, he passed me with ease and with an unexpected, surprising countenance. My expectation was that someone in his circumstance might wear the grim expression reflecting the harsh conditions that he endured. But Instead, he passed me  lending me a huge, genuine smile that imparted both a sense of knowing connection and a kind of joy that I cannot adequately describe here. Even at that lofty altitude, he maintained a joyful attitude! 

This infectious attitude of happiness was pervasive among most of the Tanzanians I met. Yet, it is something that I have rarely experienced in the US. At the end of our trip, there was a group shot taken with the porters.(see insert) My expression reveals that I had fallen into a state of deep humility having realized the magnitude of what we had accomplished. And, I humbly understood that we never would have made  it without the physical strength and emotional buoyancy of these beautiful people.  (to be continued)

Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.
- Mohandas K. Gandhi